Panic Mode: Major

I have issues. I'm sure that has become quite clear. One of my biggest issues is anxiety. I get minor anxiety attacks for the stupidest reasons. For example, school. During high school on random days I would get stomach cramps and be nauseated and nervous. Sometimes because of a test and sometimes for no reason at all. I always got this feeling before a swim meet. It was the same thing with homecoming. The whole day leading up to the dance I was in a state of panic. I felt sick, and shaky, and nervous. Why? I had nothing to be nervous about. The same thing happened before prom. In both cases, everything turned out brilliant.

I bring this up because today in my math class I was thinking about how I'm going to hopefully be buying Josh Groban concert tickets on Thursday. As I was thinking, I felt that familiar twingle of panic. It always starts with tightness at the base of my throat, like a precursor to an asthma attack. Then my hands start to shake a little bit and it becomes hard to hold my pen. It's like when you've forgotten something really important and it's too late to do anything about it, but you freak out anyway. Then I felt my face get red and then fade. Why was I starting to freak out? It's just a concert. What if I screw it up though, while I'm online trying to order tickets? What if I type in my information too slow and the page refreshes and I lose great seats? What if I can't figure out what to do and by the time I do all the tickets are gone? It was madness. Then 5 minutes later I was fine again.

The other day I found out that my sister is bringing her new friend camping with us this year. I not sure how fond I am of this girl, I don't know her very well, but she is (as of right now) coming to my happy place. Strangers are not allowed at my happy place. That was the trigger. I started freaking out in my head. All of the negative possibilities came rushing in and then the twingle in my throat, the shaky hands, the nausea, this time there were even possibilities of tears. I was thinking I'm going to be alone, Ali will be spending all her time with her friend, I won't be able to do anything because I can't go anywhere alone while I'm there (long story), I won't be able to do my traditional 3 mile beach walk to the lodge because Christina won't be there, I'll be the third wheel, It's going to suck...etc. I wanted to come home from the trip and it hasn't even happened yet. Those are stupid thoughts that I'm still thinking now. I can't even tell you why.

Apparently, the future freaks me out.