Who needs some funny quotes? You do.

I've got some good ones folks! Are you ready? Here we go.

Mom [in response to one of my dumb questions]: "Does a bear shit in the woods?"

Ali:"That frickin' hurt!"
Me:"What?"
Ali:"I kicked that cookie!"

Me [about my crush on "Hot Biology Guy"]: "It's about time it was with a real guy."

Ali [in response to me laughing at the above quotation]: "Shit I'm funny."

Ali: "It's either the $24 hat or the $12 in cash. So, basically I'm buying my own birthday present."

Me [in church]: "Mommy...I'm choking on Jesus!"

Father Dave: "Our mass has ended. Let us go in peace to love and serve the Lord."
Church People: "Thanks be to God."
Me:"It's like we're thanking God for ending mass."
Mom: "I don't think that's the intent."

Bio Prof: "endoplasmic reticulums are fun but genomes are funner."

Bio Prof: "Cells are much smarter than that."
Me: "Yeah, I don't give my cells enough credit. Good work boys [cells]."

Bio Prof: "...Bubbling mud pot..." <--my new favorite insult

Maggie: "What happened here?"
Me: "Basically...I'm just a big fat dork."

Anth Prof: "We'll have a movie about chimpanzees, everything you ever wanted to know about chimpanzees. You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll probably have to leave to go to the bathroom...I guarantee at least one but probably all three of those things will happen to you."

Lab Partner: "Where's your bump man?"

Anth Prof: "It's just...it's total bullshit."

Anth Prof: "So short people don't get any love basically."

Chem Prof: "I think I was making up crazy chemistry in my head."

Chem Prof: "water can be an acid and a base at the same time! WOAH huh?!"

Chem Prof: "Let me take a deep breath here...pheeeeew inner peace..."

Chem Prof: "Buffers are fuuuuuuuun!"

Recent Thoughts and Things

Chemistry

"...they decided to shake the poop out of the milk." ~ prof. It grossed me out a little.

"Woods are pretty bad places for humans not just because of the vicious raccoons but there are dangerous chemicals in the air." I'm sorry but are you kidding me??!! I always thought the woods were good for you but if the air is worse in the woods than in the city then my whole life has been a lie.

I truly wonder how many times my chem. prof. has almost died. He's told so many stories...it's unbelievable he's made it this far.

For biology lab I had to collect a sample of dirt and bring it to the lab. Well I forgot and had to get it on the way to lab. I happened to have a plastic bag in my backpack. So I put the dirt in the bag and put the bag in my pocket. For some reason while I was sitting in chemistry with the bag of dirt in my pocket I found the situation hilarious. That was a bad story. I'm sorry.

This week we had a guest lecturer in chemistry. We were each given a sheet and asked to evaluate her presentation. Let me just say that debate has destroyed my ability to evaluate presentation givers. I've become way too critical. Everyone around me was giving her 5s (high rating), but I was giving her tons of feedback and rating her a bit lower than everyone else. Now that I think about it however, that might not be from attending all those debate meets but could just be my critical personality...

Math

"Don't worry. These are going to get trickier." ~instructor Andrew about trig problems. I was so worried.

"We're multiplying 3 things to get zero! Either 2 is zero...unlikely..." ~Andrew

Have you ever wanted to turn to someone and say "Dude, you're obnoxious"? I have.

I like the word "compose."

Biology

The word "parasite" gives me the shivers.

The word "fungus" is weird.

How did people figure out which mushrooms were okay to eat? Just trial and error? I hope not.

Did you know there is a thing called "mushroom prospecting"? It's true.

Me: "It's like, a peanut."
Friend: "That was deep."

Other

"Yay for fat girls!" ~ Davielle Taken out of context that sounds way worse than it actually was.

This Week's Quotables

Quote of the day: "I can basically kill one bird with two stones...I'm bad at aiming." ~Jacquie

"I'm getting off on a bit of a tangent." ~Math prof. We were talking about sine, cosine, and...

"but nobody does long division anymore! We've got calculators!" ~ Math prof.

"This is just saying 'Hi I'm theta - pi/2. What's my x-coordinate?'" ~Math prof.

Note to teachers: Don't try to be tricky on tests and exams. Unless the trickiness was discussed in class it's just not cool.

Chem Prof: "You usually have a lot of solutes. So my breath has-"
Student: "Ew."
Prof: "I understand that."

"Dog comes by and licks it [antifreeze] he'll be dead. Cat comes by...that's all right. We'll forget about that." ~Chem. Prof.

"The senility in old folks, kinda like what you're seeing in me, is not natural. It's from lead." ~Chem. Prof.

"I have so many stupid stories I wish we could have a class on stupid chemistry stories." ~Chem. Prof.

"All I can do is apologize and laugh when you miss it on a test!" ~Chem. Prof.

I think it's interesting that whenever my professor says the word "alcohol" in lecture at least two guys laugh.

It bugs me that my chemistry professor says "all-gebra" instead of algebra and "molecliar" instead of molecular. It bugs me a lot.

During biology lecture my professor was talking about autosomes and I started thinking about autobots. Nerd.

There's no such thing as a stupid question unless you're the kid who sits a few seats down from me in biology. And boy can he come up with 'um.

"They're largely small...no that doesn't make sense..." ~Bio Prof.

My teacher said tertiary during lecture and I thought of Seven of Nine (Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One'). Nerd. Again. I'm sorry. It just happens.

Me: "I'm definitely a hybrid. I'm in flannel jammies so there's the inner redneck...I'm wearing two hemp bracelets so there's the inner wanna be surfer...I'm wearing black nail polish so there's the wanna be rock chick...I've got my chemistry book open in front of me so there's the inner nerd...and I've got my cross on so there's my inner church girl...I think I'm just confused."
Mom: "I'd say so."

First Set of Winter Quotations

My math teacher has been great so far for good quotes.

"This is the meat of the set notation sandwich, you just need to put the buns on there right?"

"What's another way to say born? Birds aren't born..."

"Does the wingspan go on forever? I hope not, that would be like a scary Alfred Hitchcock movie."

"IT'S LIKE MAGIC! Math magic..."

"Wait a second...that can't be right...I must have plugged something into my calculator wrong...ohhhhh that's embarrassing..."

"Oh boy! Look at all of these solutions!"

"This is kind of a guess-what's-in-my-head kind of question."

This guy get so enthusiastic about what he's teaching us. One time it was so bad I said (to myself and the people near me) "My. God. This is blowing my mind." I got a couple chuckles.

My chemistry professor isn't nearly as funny as last term, but he has some really good stories that he likes to share. I managed to get a couple of quotes.
Prof.:"There are three phases (i.e. liquid, sold, gas)...well actually four but we won't talk about that."
Me:"WHAT?! Everything I ever learned about science is wrong!"

"Gotta be careful about putting yourself in a a vacuum."

He also tends to say "all-gebra" instead of algebra, and molecliar instead of molecular. It bugs me.

There have been quite a few good quotes in my biology class but I'm always too shocked to write them down. They're not from the professor, they're from this obnoxious kid that like to ask the most bazaar questions. Not only are the questions odd, but he takes forever to actually get to the question. That too bugs me. Here is the only question I managed to write down.

Kid: "Do you think reptiles will ever fly again?" (There was a picture of a turtle on the overhead. That's the only connection I could find.)
Prof.: "I doubt it."

I'll try to write them down from now on. They're crazy.

Calm and Peace

I was hanging out with friends over the weekend and talk turned to the topic of yoga.

"Do you think you'd like yoga," I was asked.

"No, I'm not a very peaceful person," I replied.

I meant to say I'm not a very calm person. I'm just a little bit high strung. You would think yoga would be good for me and help me relax, but I think my frustration at trying to relax would cancel out any of the good. I can't turn my mind off to go to sleep. I doubt I could do it for yoga.

End of Term Quotations

Okay guys, last set of quotes for this term. Hopefully I will have some funny professors next term too!

"Little smart sperm." ~Anth. Prof. We were discussing genetic selection/engineering. I hope.

"Feel free to take the cap off and take a snort!" ~Chem. Proff. We were passing around viles of aromatic oils.

"I can't show you a unicorn. I don't have one...but...*writes on board*:
'Rhino + Horse -----> Unicorn' "So then what does a hippo + an elephant + a rhino equal? *pause* A helephino! *pause* "Hell-If-I-Know...it's a joke" ~Chem. Prof.

"What is a bond? A debonair British assassin?" ~ Chem. Prof.

Here is the best one:

"I'm already in the end of the quarter party-mode...I'm done...take me to the bar! I'm dressed!" ~Chem. Prof. today, who was wear a very Margaritaville/Aloha shirt.

Here's one that has nothing to do with school:
"I hate doors! They're stupid and awkward!" ~Christina

When Taken Out of Context...

"You should be flattered I ripped your clothes off!" ~Kyndra

I've decided not to tell the story and just to leave it at that.

Thoughts and Quotes

Quotes:
"NINE! NINE! Sorry, I lived in Germany for 3 years, so I interpret 'nine' in multiple ways." ~Chem Prof.

"So I think we've gone from the difficult to the absurd at this point." ~Chem Prof.

"We're still working on scales and arpeggios here. We're not ready to blow some bad jazz." ~Chem Prof.

"If Thomas loves it it's gotta be awful." ~Davielle

"Sweet is definitely not the right word." ~Davielle [about describing me and she's right. I was thinking bitter.]

Thoughts:
Why do painters wear white outfits?

I've decided that I'm hopelessly something. Just what exactly we might never know.

Today's Funnies

"I thought about copyrighting myself..." ~Anth. Prof.

"It's been a while since I've read the Book [The Bible]." ~Anth. Prof.

"In the future the grade you got in chemistry is not going to mean as much as the time you spend with the ones you love." ~Chem. Prof. A little weird, but it made me feel a bit better.

Quotes, Quotes, Quotes

Most of these are last week's. Some are from today.

Student: "Should I give you the goggles back?"
Chem Prof: "Um, well, how do you feel about explosions?"
Student: "Well, I like explosions..."
Chem Prof: "Then you should probably hold on to them for a while."

"I wasn't gonna pass up a chance to blow some stuff up...especially on Halloween." ~ Chem Prof

"We're gonna kill this pickle. It's been a bad pickle." ~Chem Prof

[This is terrible (two nails with electric currents running through them were stuck into a hanging pickle, one at each end)] "I don't want that nail to come flying out and hit me in the chest like that crocodile guy." ~ Chem Prof [I told you.]

"Photons...you know like Star Trek. Photon Torpedoes?" ~Chem Prof [I totally knew what he was talking about. As soon as he said "photon" I said "Tuvok! Arm the photon torpedoes!" to myself. I would never say it out loud.]

Science thought of the day: Isn't "quantum" an intimidating word?

"Trick or Drinking or whatever goes on." ~Anth Prof obviously talking about Halloween.

Quick little story:
Today in Anth lecture I glanced over at the TA who was sitting in his chair cleaning his nails with his switch blade. He did this for a couple minutes then he folded it up and put it away. Normally, where I come from this would be no big deal, but I found it slightly amusing today in the middle of a university lecture.

Quotations to lighten up my mood

"Are you okay with that? You can say no! I'm okay with no. I have a 16 year old daughter. She says no all the time!" ~ Chemistry sub.

"It takes a while to eat a giraffe." ~Anth. Prof.

Anth. Prof: [to TA about English infixes]"I'm thinking of one. Are you?"
TA: "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!"
Prof: "Oh...I was gonna say FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!"

This Week's Quotables And In Class Happenings

• "They have translated the Bible into Klingon." ~Anth. Prof. That's actually more of a fun fact, but hey.
• During Anthropology early this week I was paying close attention to what my professor was trying to communicate to us, when I felt some one's eyes on me. I looked to my left and saw the girl sitting a few seats down from me staring at me intently over her glasses. It was one of those Christina, painful, melting your flesh with their eyes stares. Startled, I quickly looked away. "That was scary," I though. I still can't figure out why she was trying to kill me with her eyes. I was honestly just sitting there.
• One of the boys behind us however, had his foot resting on the empty chair next to me and was bouncing it like mad. All the seats are connected in that lecture hall so as I was trying to jot down my notes they kept getting all squiggled up because of that darn foot bouncer! I wanted so badly to turn around and yell "STOP THAT!"
• "It's like when you go to the store and you can't just throw the box of pearls in there! So what else to you get?" "CHOCOLATE!" "OH CHOCOLATE! They should just tape that right to the box!" ~Anth. Prof. discussing taboo words in culture and our taboo with menstruation.
• "There are eight different kinds of Oreos! Have you ever had decision over load?! They have mint, and peanut butter, and inside out, and double stuffed, and double chocolate! JUST GIVE ME THE GOD DAMN REGULAR ONES!! What was wrong with those?!" ~Anth. Prof. She has a point.

Crazy Quotations

Here are more quotations from my professors. Enjoy.

• "Ear viruses" ~My Anth. Prof referring to bad songs that always get stuck in your head.
• "Remember in 4th grade history when they made you remember all those dates? I hate that. Why do they do that to children?" ~Anth. Prof
• "I know you're probably thinking of some south sea island & a lecherous male..." ~Anth Prof while discussing sexual relationships during field work.
• "Are there really that many Is in 'divisible'? I used to know how to spell then I became a chemist."~Chem Prof
• "It would be as if I would go running at this wall and go right through it. Which would be totally cool. I wouldn't be here. I'd be a very rich man." ~Chem Prof
• "My knowledge of this part of the periodic table is pretty limited because frankly...I don't care." ~Chem Prof
• "Guys, this is how a general chemistry course works. I wake up in the morning and think 'what lies am I going to tell my general chemistry class today?" "...I keep track of the lies and test you on them during the exams." ~Chem Prof

Lost in transcription

Today's academic quote of the day comes from my chemistry professor. I have a feeling although the class is going to kick my butt, the teacher is going to be quite amusing. Hopefully the comedic quality of this quotation does not get lost in transcription.



"What's the one thing every student hates about chemistry?"

*Long pause*

"STORY PROBLEMS! THEY SUCK! Sooooooo, let's do some!"



Yes, I will admit that it's not quite so funny reading it. Hopefully the truth of it makes a couple of you laugh.